I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
