this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
