I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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