you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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