My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you inspire me to be a worse person
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Alive.
So much puke
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
