everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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