Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
