you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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