My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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