Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
