He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
