I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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