he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
