my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
