Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who died my cat blue again?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
