You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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