I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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