So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
