My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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