woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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