A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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