Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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