just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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