she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
