Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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