just come out here and I will go home with you...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
