I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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