Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
