So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
