Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
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