Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
