I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
