You're so nebulous sometimes
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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