I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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