oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
