Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize