it hurts more in the daytime
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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