I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
