I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
