Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
