my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
