Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
