tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize