I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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