from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
