WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
