i need an iv and a liver transplant
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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