Banned from zoo.
Again?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
