I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
where am i from again
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
