So drunk its hurt
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
