i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
