There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
