1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
