I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
