i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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