I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
