I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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